Lost

“Hey, thank you.” She stops right after we passed the big gate in front of Fushimi Inari. “Kyoto was… really great. You know I had fallen for Kyoto from the beginning.”

“I know,”

As usual, a short answer that I always give to her. I hope a small nod will make a difference this time. The awkward atmosphere is lingering. She seems like she is looking for a question to ask, something that she always do when we are in a conversation. And I, just like usual, playing role as someone who is waiting to be asked.

“Then,” She hang her words in the air. There is an uncomfortable silence between us. I lift my head, giving her a sign to continue the rest. “With you, I …. really had a good time.”

“Me too,” I wish I could give her a longer answer than just a ‘me too’. But it’s just my habit. I never put any effort to make my words sounds more… sincere. I am a man, and just like any other man, I just simply don’t know how to.  The only thing I know, when she said she had a good time, it isn't refer to the two hours that we spent in this shrine.

“I have a good news for you.” My heart stops beating. I don’t know how long it takes, but I’m sure I should win a - hold-your-breath competition if there is any. “The time has come.”

That kind of silence, I swear it will not be my favorite kind of silence.

“ I decided to let you go.”

I guessed it.

“It is not a good news,” I try to break the uncomfortable atmosphere.

She smiles. A painful smiles that I saw often long time ago. I am a bastard who knows exactly what words that are going to be an effective healing for her, to get rid those pain from her. But I had chosen to not to. Even she gave me million chances to do so.

“Don’t lie. You’re tired of me already. I know that very well.”

I don’t know whether I will regret my decision or not in the future. The only thing I can see right now is only a blurry future. A foggy, and blurry future that stop me to walk on. It’s just too risky.

I wish she could understand how blurry the path that I will take.

I wish she could understand that it is not good to have a walk together to this direction.

I wish she could understand that I have no idea to bring her to this path.

It doesn't mean that I don't like her, but I can't think about taking her with me. I wish I….

“So, good bye.”

She breaks the silence, again. I don’t give any answer, stuck on the million wishes in my own mind. An automatic nods is the only thing that I can give to her.  she is smiling, waving her palm, turning her back without waiting for my answer. It is the first time. She used to be waiting patiently, no matter how long it will take. But she mean it right now.

She is leaving.

After that, my brain creates a special show about the memories that we both had, when we were together. The memories that I’m sure will remain even after she left.

So I turn my back, seeing her for the last time. There is only her back that I can see, covered by a navy coat that she wore on our first date. Gradually, she is walking away.

And she stops.

A man in front of her stops her. 

Is he someone that she knows?

Or just someone who is passing by?

Then the man smiles. He put his hand on her hair; make a mess that I know she doesn’t like the most.

But she doesn't get rid of his hand.

Even when his hand starts to hold her hand.

I lost her. Completely.